Busy

Sad & stressful times have emerged. A few good friends lost their jobs the other day & it is very sad. A friend is in the hospital with a 1% chance of surviving. And FYE is just around the corner. Ugh! Not looking like a good month. The weather is turning into normal Fall weather already though...that's refreshing.

Temporary realization

I'm normally a very strong (stubborn) woman. Lately I've realized I'm the one that's always having to be the bad*ss or the person always protecting others as well as myself when I'm out. The one always speaking up....not being shy. For the first time ever...I don't want to be that person...just for a minute (okay maybe for an hour or two)...I want someone to take care of me. To stand up for me, to protect me, to support me, to adore me (that might be asking too much) & to hold me. It's not necessarily me feeling lonely...but I think I'm getting tired of the only person being on my team. Okay so the more I think about it....I want a guy to take care of me...whether it's just speaking up for me every once in a while...or just someone to watch after me. I have brothers that if I called would kick someone's butt for me...but they're not there all the time. My dad isn't here...but he really wasn't a protector of me anyways. hmmm...have I always been my own protector? I think I have...okay so I want a break after 27 years....but I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon....just gotta keep on being strong for myself.
I guess my mood of melancholy continues...

Rehearsal Footage of Jackson Two Days Before Death Released

Rehearsal Footage of Jackson Two Days Before Death Released

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Mood

Ever get in one of those moods where you just want to escape from everything around you at that very moment? You just want to put on your iPod with your ear buds in & crank up the music till your ears are hurting or you can only think of the lyrics of the song playing...and not thinking of anything else (or of course just snap your fingers & you escape it all). Well I was in one of those moods today. Work was BUSY. It seems lately that my bosses don't think I'm doing a good enough job. It's like I feel the disappointment when I'm around them. But the more & more I think about it....I have the MOST workload in my whole department. Me do perfect work all the time? Well of course we all hope for it...but honestly Mondays are becoming their own time frame. It's consumed by one task...but I'm obligated to do 5 million other things on that day. More than lately I've been on the verge of breaking. Whether it's just taking a break or breaking the job & moving on. Needless to say I'm jamming out to my iPod right now...trying not to think of anything....but instead...listening & singing the lyrics of the songs vibrating between my ears.


Beautiful words:
"Before you judge me, try hard to love me.
The painful youth I've had"

The sadness that's evolved...

Learning of MJJ's death was such a heartbreaking shock. I know quite a few people did not like him...but I'm one of the ones that had a HUGE crush on him thru middle & high school. My crush ended probably around the later years of high school but my admiration never disappeared. I found he was a man that cared for the world, world peace, equality in races & yes, children. I think he related with children in a different way than most adults would consider 'normal'. As a person not experiencing part of their childhood I can somewhat relate that it's so nice to try to live your (adult)life a day in a child's day. That carefree, do whatever you want, everything happy, surrounded by family ,financial freedom...that you don't & won't ever experience again once you've had your first job. After working life isn't that simple anymore. You then have responsibilities if not just for yourself but possibly others as well. I remember in high school I wasn't the only one that admired MJJ. I even did a sketch of him as one of my art projects in high school. I still have it framed & am still proud of it. As the years have passed since my very fond time at high school I've adapted into a world of only blaring my MJJ to myself...that not that many people really like him. I think that's why I love music so much. Almost any & every music artist admits that MJJ is their idol. Whether it's his music, the lyrics or his style of dance. They are what they are today b/c of him. When I heard of the horrible news I immediately went online to find anything & everything. All my music groups/artists that I follow (stalk) on Twitter put really nice comments of how much he'll be missed & how sad they were. I knew if I kept watching all this stuff that it was just rubbing it in, it would only upset me more. But I had to watch it. My friend texted me telling me MTV was playing MJJ music videos. I immediately turned it on to that. As if I've never seen those music videos before...I watched them. Back in the 90's MTV was totally different than it is now. I miss those old MTV days where you could turn it on MTV & there was nothing but music videos being played for hours...or a certain artist/band's songs playing back to back. But now it's all reality TV shows...it's lost its originality I think. Nigel Lythgoe on So You Think You Can Dance that night stated some very beautiful words to the Jackson family & to the viewers of the show...saying something along the lines of how he hopes the Jackson family only grieves a short time b/c this is a man that will never be forgotten & will always be an idol. I cried almost the whole night...I had puffy eyes before I even went to bed. I was supposed to make a cheesecake that night...I lost my mind once I found out the news with MJJ. I forgot I was supposed to make it. It wasn't until the next morning & I was in the shower that I remembered. Most of my friends at work came in & were telling me how they thought of me when they heard about MJJ. It was kind of funny. But then again how do you know me & NOT know that about me? I had friends from my childhood putting comments on Facebook saying they thought of me as well b/c they remember I LOVED MJJ when we were growing up...I would apparently walk around jamming to it on my walkman or on our way to school...I don't remember that...but it was definitely funny even thinking about it. It's still a shock. Even the mere thought of it still brings tears to my eyes. I've been playing MJJ in the car ever since the news. I'll watch the music videos on TV again...not the news though. It hurts still. I'm so sad for his children, his family & his fans who truly loved him. He will never be forgotten but he will be missed. RIP MJJ

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